The True Feminist Message: Don't Hire Women

Hello, Western employers!

As you may have noticed, today's feminist activists have a great deal to say about how women are and should be treated in the workforce. And yes, I understand how difficult it can be to sift through their rhetoric and tease out exactly what you, as an employer, are expected to do. Fortunately, I think I've finally managed to figure out their underlying message: Don't hire women.

I know how bizarre this must seem. After all, feminists claim to be looking out for women's best interests. And yet, in presuming to speak for all of us, these activists have managed to paint our distaff sex in a very unappealing light. Indeed, if feminists are to be accepted as our spokeswomen and exemplars, the following must be true:

Women don't understand math or science.

They don't comprehend, for example, that you can lie with statistics. Certain numbers - such as the earnings gap - can be explained by phenomena that aren't nefarious, but women are simply incapable of analyzing said statistics in a critical manner. Additionally, women can't tell the difference between science and scientism. They conclude that because, for instance, so-called scientists once claimed that hysteria and neuroses could be cured by giving a woman a good poke, the entire scientific enterprise is a sexist joke. But of course, it was the process of science that eventually disabused us of these ideas -- and a lot of other pseudoscientific, bigoted nonsense besides. In reality, if science stays liberal (in the classical sense), the truth will win out -- and the truth can't be sexist; on the other hand, if you mix politics with your science, you get Lysenkoism and the eugenics movement.

In general, women just don't have the brainpower to learn math and science as they are traditionally taught. In fact, in order for women to overcome their marginalized status in the STEM fields, we have to deemphasize efficient algorithms and computational fluency in our math classes and, hell, even reinvent quantum physics in order for these subjects to be more assimilable for the inferior female mind.

Women are uneducable -- especially by men.

You may have men at your workplace who have a strong grasp of your field thanks to a rigorous education and years of experience, but women will dismiss them as patriarchal "mansplainers" and refuse to accept them as knowledgeable mentors. Women, you see, are so brittle that they can't handle being contradicted. If their "lived experience" has convinced them that something is true, no amount of logic or factual argument will persuade them that they are mistaken; after all, they are women and must be believed.

Women expect to advance in their chosen profession regardless of the quality of their work.

Further, they expect highly qualified men to "get out of the way" to allow that advancement. As far as women are concerned, men dominate in positions of institutional power and prestige because they are privileged -- not because they've studied useful subjects, made conscious sacrifices in their personal lives to leave room for 60+ hour work weeks, accepted discomfort and danger on the job, or just been the best at what they do. And because women believe that men have not earned their place, they've therefore concluded that women must be preferentially considered in all hiring and promotion decisions in order to balance the scales. Some women will even go so far as to insist that men currently in power be demoted to allow for the elevation of female competitors.

Women will be unable to work several days out of every month.

Men come to work when they are sick. Men will even ignore dangerous foot infections to stand post during several consecutive overnight shifts if they happen to be supervising important military operations overseas. (Ahem. I'm looking at you, Dad.) But women are too weak to do that. Women are so physically fragile, in fact, that they can't even be productive during their periods. Yes, that's right: the pain of menstruation, a standard and healthy bodily function, is so crippling that women can't be expected to show up while they're on their cycle and need mandated paid period leave once a month to be happy.

(Don't get me wrong here: I understand that some women do experience extreme symptoms while on their periods. But these are disorders; they should be addressed by gynecologists, not accepted as something normal that necessitates special accommodations.) 

Women will complain about trivial inconveniences and will expect your workplace to constantly cater to their desires.

Have you heard that even an employer's air conditioning can be sexist? If you don't turn up your thermostat and force the men in your office to sweat, you are guilty of marginalizing women. Sorry, fellas: It's just too hard for women to bring their sweaters. You may think that is, in fact, a perfectly reasonable solution given that being too cold is easier to fix (with the aforementioned sweaters) than being too damned hot. But women, ultimately, don't feel they should have to take responsibility for their own comfort; the office world must, at all times, revolve around them. 

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Okay: So we all know that none of the above statements are actually true of all women. Most women want to live by the same exact rules that govern men and don't want to be treated as delicate, wilting flowers -- either in the workplace or anywhere else. And that's why, as of this moment, only a small percentage of Western women are actually willing to embrace the feminist label. They understand what feminists are really implying -- and they rightfully resent it.